Assamese G Spot - Part I- Bihu Talks

( Picture courtesy Assam online)      

                                                                                           
 If you have come to this post expecting  enlightenment on a community's discovery of carnal pleasures, you are not far from the truth. Only, the G-spot here is the one that evokes Gastronomical orgasms. Whoever generated that  reprimanding idiom "eat to live and not live to eat", had surely met an Assamese or lived amidst a host of them till he could no longer digest all the food talk. He must have come away from that land of lahe lahe scarred for life, smelling of mustard oil, dazed with the array of fish and still more dazed with as many ways of cooking a particular fish as the number of scales blinking at the sun from its back. And the meat. And the greens. And the vegetables. And their combinations on the breakfast, lunch and dinner thaals. Thaals that are gleaming and reflecting the diner's face in all their bell metal avatar. 

Making the ritual calls to the host of relatives basking in the lap of the homeland, especially during the Bihu festivals, is a copy paste conversation. And that is where this post rose in all its marinaded, steamed and roasting form. What follows is a transcript of a typical tele conversation made to greet during Bihu...

" Hello! Magh bihur xewa jonalu!" ( If the receiver is elderly)

                    or

 " Hello! Magh bihur ulog jasilu"      ( contemporary receiver)

" So how did you celebrate there? Did you have the Uruka ( Bihu community feast) last night?"

" Umm..yes.. just a  few of us got together for the evening. It's a working day here you know..."

" Oh! No holidays? Don't they have something like Lori..."

" Yeah,but Lohri is a day before Uruka. So..."

" So what did you eat?"

" The usual some fish, some meat..."

" Sitol and patha?"

" No, no sitol fish, it's difficult to get that here. We had rohu and chicken instead of mutton."

" Oh..."

" And today, did you have pitha, laru, doi sira?"

" Err no..."

" Oh..."

" Is Peha around?"

" Yes, he is sitting here right next to me. We are sitting around the meji having pitha, laru I made with til and gur...Last night he brought a two kg big sitol. It was a very good fish, full of oil and very tasty. Then I made mutton dry..."

" Hmmm...can I talk to Peha?"

" Hello! Happy Bihu!"

" Happy  Bihu Peha!"

" So did you have Uruka there?"

" Yes, yes,kind of..."

" So what did you eat? We had sitol fish and mutton your Pehi made so fine..."

" Yeah, she told me"

" Did you have pitha, laru today?"...

Next call made to a maternal uncle.

" Hello! Happy Bihu!"

" Oho!  Happy Bihu to you too! So what did you do for Uruka?"

" Yeah,we kind of got together and ate..."

" What did you eat? Sitol and mutton?"

Sigh!

" No. We had rohu and chicken."

" Oh! Our neighbours made some excellent kalia with the sitol, we also had some fried pieces on the side as snacks sitting around the fire...and your mami made some excellent mutton in an iron kerahi on wood fire... "

" Nice"

" Then Pona landed up with fine pork meat which we skewered it over fire... Ah! It went off very well yesterday." 

" Good. That must have been quite a feast...What about your acidity?"

" Ah yes!What about it! I had some antacids. We are having pitha, laru in front of the meji now. Did you get any pitha, laru?"

" No. Just made some coconut laru.."

" Good good. Here talk to Pona..."

" Hello Happy Bihu! So what did you do last night..."

Gritting the teeth and pulling the hair out. Strand by strand.

And so went the next call to mother's brother, and the one to husband's  aunt, and the one to the husband's mother's aunt's daughter, continued with the neighbour who happened to be sitting there, and the aunt's sister whom I had not seen but who happened to be there.

So when the dry cleaners called up to deliver my package, he got a dose of the conversation,

" How was the sitol fish  and who made the mutton..."

"Madam? Err.. is this 9********?"

"...and the laru must have been tasty..." Suddenly I am jolted out by the sound of numbers.
 "Yes? Who is this?"

" Madam, I am calling from the dry cleaners..."

"Oh! Okay...yes...tell me?"

Be warned. If you are calling up Assamese friends during the Bihu season, you might be asked about the victuals that went  down your gullet for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Do excuse the poor soul who is probably still dazed by the deluge of gastronomical tele conversations with folks back home.